(DISCLAIMER: This is strictly a satire piece poking fun at conspiracy theories surrounding the NBA Draft Lottery. No one at SideLeague thinks these are true, neither should you. Enjoy.)
Some of you thought because Adam Silver was the new comissioner of the NBA that we would have a fair and untainted draft lottery? HA. Little do you guys know, they’re all the same! I used my friendship with Adam Silver (Yes. We’re boys. I saw him eating a pulled pork sandwich one time. He gave me the ‘sup nod). Anyway, I used my friendship with Silver to find out the conspiracy theories behind each team’s shot at getting the #1 pick in the Draft.
The Bucks were just sold and they were determined to finish up the sale by the draft lottery. Why you ask? My man Silver was like “Hey, you buy the Bucks and you can have the #1 pick this year.” I mean, this team sold for way more than it was worth.
Rod Thorn used to be GM & President of the Sixers. Now he works for the NBA. You think Thorn wasn’t gonna talk to his people and hook his boys up with that #1 spot?
Adam Silver is all about taking care of teams that lost a star player. Orlando keeps reminding him they haven’t been compensated for Dwight Howard leaving.
Can you imagine the headlines?! Utah Jazz take Mormon superstar, Jabari Parker with the #1 pick! Like 96% of Utah is Mormon. They’ve definitely got a shot.
Adam Silver can’t afford to have the Celtics be bad for very long. They need the #1 pick.
Los Angeles Lakers
The 2nd biggest market in the NBA. Add on the fact that the NBA has already scheduled 60 of their 81 games for National Television next season. There’s all kinds of money involved here. The Lakers not only deserve the #1 pick…. THEY NEED THE #1 PICK.
Looking through Silver’s e-mails, there was nothing for Sacramento. Sorry Kings fans, you’ve gotta be on your worst behavior now.
New coach? Rising star in Andre Drummond? Yeah, they’ve gotta get the #1 pick.
Apparentlly Silver kept saying something about Dan Gilbert having pictures of something. Anyway, I’m sure by the sound of Silver’s voice that he would give this to the Cavs again. Plus Adam’s gotta make things right for Cleveland for Lebron leaving.
Nuggets owner Stan Kroenke also owns the St. Louis Rams. The Rams just drafted Michael Sam. Silver tells me that we need positive owners in the spotlight. They’re also in the running for the #1 pick.
New Orleans Pelicans
I mean, the NBA used to own the Pelicans. Besides, they want Anthony Davis to have a partner in crime.
Adam Silver knows how much it would mean to the Timberwolves to hold onto Kevin Love. He thinks sliding them the #1 pick would help.
Silver’s big on the Suns. They fought hard all season after everyone thought they wouldn’t make any noise. He wants to reward them with the #1 pick. I don’t blame him.
So you’re all right NBA fans, the Draft Lottery is rigged. As you can see, there were mutliple teams it was rigged for, it just happened to be Cleveland’s year once again. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta go into hiding now.